It’s interesting how different each of our perspectives can be, especially in relation to the same subject/topic/object. As a collective, we already know, we can most certainly look at a single object and see completely different colours—is the dress blue or is it white?
And while you may take the stance of the scorned and heartbroken lover, “He’s a liar!”
Know that on his (or her) side of things, he is simply on his own journey, trying to figure it out just the same.
We’re all on our own paths; most of us trying to be and make the best choices we possibly can. It doesn’t always happen. We are imperfect.
I don’t think people set out to be inconsiderate, lying assholes… generally speaking, psychopaths aside.
There are so many motivations to lie. To fib, to stretch the truth. And while we may seemingly be hiding the truth from others, I think the honest truth is we are mostly hiding from ourselves. The truths in our hearts that we’d rather not face for fear of shattering our egos, and self-beliefs.
Maybe it’s the ugly truth that we aren’t as kind, patient, or “good” as we’d like to think. That deep down, we are actually very capable of doing the unthinkable, being selfish, cruel, cut-throat, and downright ruthless. Or maybe it’s the scary existential truth that we aren’t as special, talented, or smart as we secretly like to think. That this IS all there is to life, and then it all ends.
Whew, I’m getting off track now.
The thing is, making inconsiderate and selfish decisions doesn’t make you an asshole. What makes you an asshole is when you pretend not to be one, close your eyes and shut your ears whilst sitting pretty, perched atop a shiny gold-plated high horse.
What I’m trying to say here is, own up to your flaws. Sometimes being an asshole is a healthy and necessary part of life and growth. Go ahead and push your boundaries into uncomfortable territories, especially when you’re young, so that you know how far you need to pull them back. Make those asshole decisions that serve to teach you and others.
And by asshole decisions, I mean making the decision to break someone’s heart quickly and swiftly, rather than inflicting the slow painful torment of “ghosting” someone. It means making the DELIBERATE decision to sometimes put your own damn self and mental health first, even if it may offend or hurt someone else.
Be purposeful. Be bold. Shove your ego into a corner. Give your head a good shake now and again. Be fucking present.
But for God’s sakes, own up to the fact that you’re being an asshole, and communicate. Communicate your thoughts, your feelings. Even if it’s just to say, “I don’t know”.
Don’t be irresponsible with someone else’s heart. Man or woman up, and TELL people how you feel.
Otherwise, you’re just a coward running away. Forget every one and every thing else, the worst part of it is that the person you’re really running away from, is yourself. By behaving like an asshole, you are inadvertently getting in the way of your own happiness, freedom, and peace.
You don’t have to recite an entire fucking novel, you don’t even have to justify your actions; because the truth is, at this point, you probably don’t have the answers anyway, and that’s ok. But, please, for the love of God, just communicate.
If the other person doesn’t accept your truth, at least you can walk away knowing you’ve done your part; made your peace by saying your piece.
I’m not talking about the guy or girl you met up with once on a Tinder date here, obviously. (Seriously, if you are hung up on a Tinder hook up, you need to reevaluate your shit)
But if you have the gall to play with other people’s hearts, and lead them on with your words or your actions, you better have the balls to break their hearts, too.
The problem is, most people who are feeling lost, confused, ashamed, or don’t want to deal with their emotions will shut down and resort to telling themselves the comforting words they need to hear to feel better. The words that make those asshole decisions a little easier to swallow. They may downplay your pain, feelings, and the impact they’ve left on you. They may even go out of their way to be benevolent in other areas of their lives—isn’t human behaviour such a funny thing?
In the face of tough emotional decisions, no matter how small and inconsequential they may seem, some people will resort to shutting off the parts of their heart that are human, that care, that feel empathy. Trust me, I know.
And speaking from experience, it’s a dangerous way to live. Do it long enough, and you may never actually learn to operate in any other way.
The truth is, people aren’t psychopaths*, they are just scared. Know that the next time you get your hearts broken, ladies and gents.
You are not the problem (well, maybe you are, you could be), you just happened to get tangled up in someone else’s messy, reckless, complicated web that is their life. And vice versa.
Forgive. Live and let live. We’ve all been the breakers and the broken, and if you haven’t been, you will be. Whether that’s romantically, or otherwise.
Move on. This isn’t your fight. It really, really isn’t. Please know that.
When in doubt, focus on, and love your damn self.
Above all, stay kind and empathetic. We’re all just trying to do our best.